"We all have a big bad woolf hiding inside of us, the darkness we don't want anyone else to see"

Recovery simply isnt an option

I always wondered why i wanted to be like anyone else so badly. Escape the "monstreous act" that represented my life so far, and become like anyone else. Another small dot in the croud. Safe. I've fought who i was for a long time now.

Good? Bad?. Just Human. I'm just not sure yet what the picture should be.

The change. To become something else...does that really happened? i always knew what i was. Just simply didnt realized how to use it.

For some unexplained reason, a part of me simply didn't get it right. I wanted to get attached to all and everyone one of them. I loved them all. And hated all of them. I would have needed several lifes...so i could furfill their fantasies...But what about mine?..

Every man i came across ended up with a reason to Fuck me.

When i think that back in high school, no boys would have been ok to get near me, or been seen in public with me.

Somehow...i'm still in the shadows. I'm Just becoming more efficient.

Somehow LaVey's book touched me more than i realized. It's like my incounscient mind read /understood and adapted the writting to an everydaylife behavior. And the other part. Well...it's where the trouble begins.

I still need to find an excuse. I still need to tell myself i somehow love them. Somehow i'm connected...important to them. So i don't feel that monstrous and manipulative. I just can't fight it.

The need...just never disapear.

I always wanted to be true.

"There are no secrets in life. Just hidden truth..hiding beneath the surface"

Now i'm wondering why that was so important.

You can have the world. But when you need the world to help you, everything disapear out in the shadows. Obviously not in the one you were standing in.

What's the key then?

Realized someone else in this land needs to know all your deepest darkest secrets? Someone you can tell every truth about yourself?

Dangerous.

Can't explained. But somehow...As long as i won't be attached to someone with a respectful glance. I won't be able to change. Even less evolve.

Weirdly enough...Everytime i want someone. He's not interested. i'm a gentle monster. I don't want to bear the responsability of getting what i want..as i know i'll change my mind later about it. because it would have been easy having him. And i would know. because it would have been of my doings.

The major problem happens, when i  found worst than me.

"Takes responsability for who you are"