fade away....

 

I lie to everyone i know. Wherever i try to be honest, i'm loosing  people. And sometimes my lies makes them wanna go away.

That's sad.

 

I really don't know how to be in couple with people. It's always the same problem.

 

And i can't talk to anyone.

 

 

Fuck.

Ok, i've been one of thoses girls always picking on the opposit sex, because i Believe some girls are not easy to live neither.

 

BUT MAN! this Guy...Let's call him, D for Dick.

D., is the type of guy never to let go.

D is the type of macho guy i can't stand.

D is the type of  guy who will never do anything for you for free.

 

D, always excpect to win. But he's not a predator. He's just a fool. Nothing fançy really..but i have to admit he had me in trouble several times.

 

I 've got a new compagnon. Now he's waking up. Tell me how much he loves me and how he cannot live without me.

 

 

PATHETIC.

 

Thank god i had this little corner in this huge Webplace...No friend could share this with me the way i'm sharing it with myself.

 

so just one thing to say ;

 

 

ROFL.

Evidemment c'est en Français. Regards indiscrets.

 

Je ne suis jamais satisfaite. Je tourne en rond inlassablement. Sans jamais me satisfaire de ce que j'obtient. C'est Pathetique.

 

Tout autant que je ne sais plus vraiment bien écrire français.

Heureusement que le coin purgatoire est là. Que-ce qu'on ferais sans lui. 

 

Je n'ai pas vraiment de honte. Je crois que plus rien n'a vraiment d'importance. Pourtant j'essay. je me force....J'en suis loin.

 

Je  m'étonne , me surprends et pourtant ...que les autres recherchent ma compagnie.

 

Je n'aime pas ce monde.

J'aime ce monde.

 

J'aime Jackson.

j'ai peur.

OMG....looks like i'm african.

LOL.

 

Some generations will never change. Nothing to do about it. Nothing we can do about it.

 

It's a generation where genes and previous pears counts so much. They are the reason why we are what we are.

 

I don't like that.

 

She was just the proof i was expecting .

 

 

"None of us are what we appear to be on the outside."

 

 

 

Such a pretty ,cute and good little girl. She's brave, and complete.

 

The truth? She's a cold semi-heartless manipulor Bitch. And that is how she survives. We're never completly true to no one.

 

She told me i came from a family of "nannys"...like..slaves made better by their masters. Maybe she dramatises a bit. Maybe not.

 

I never had much use for the concept of hell. But if hell exist, i'm in it.

 

Therefore, seeing the rage wchich whom i defend my freedom, i suppose we might have been the one engaging the rebellion.

 

 

 

Who cares.

 

 

She did. It was important for her to give me this line. She made me swear not to say anything to anyone. Like this is going to happen.

 

I knew my parents were obviously hidding something. Both can't bear were they came from. i guess it's all generations there.

 

It's important my child...whatever color 'll be, finds a home somewhere. And stop being so lost...like we apparently are now. All together.

 

The grand mother is hard. cruel. Hidding her rage beneath a smooth surface of hidden rotten speakless truths.

 

The father is ready to explod at any sign of the past. Whatever past. Hidding to his very blood what supposely matters for the ancient.

 

The mother, Flotting around theses monsters. 

 

And the daughter. Realising. and Leaving.

 

What is Funny, is that This name, supposly meant "servant" actually means "eternal, Immortal, indestructible"

 

Yeah..definitly more like it.

 

 

"My neat little world of lies is crambling all around me. And i can't tell a soul."

   

"We all have a big bad woolf hiding inside of us, the darkness we don't want anyone else to see"

 

 

Recovery simply isnt an option

 

I always wondered why i wanted to be like anyone else so badly. Escape the "monstreous act" that represented my life so far, and become like anyone else. Another small dot in the croud. Safe. I've fought who i was for a long time now.

Good? Bad?. Just Human. I'm just not sure yet what the picture should be.

 

The change. To become something else...does that really happened? i always knew what i was. Just simply didnt realized how to use it.

For some unexplained reason, a part of me simply didn't get it right. I wanted to get attached to all and everyone one of them. I loved them all. And hated all of them. I would have needed several lifes...so i could furfill their fantasies...But what about mine?..

 

Every man i came across ended up with a reason to Fuck me.

 

When i think that back in high school, no boys would have been ok to get near me, or been seen in public with me.

Somehow...i'm still in the shadows. I'm Just becoming more efficient.

 

Somehow LaVey's book touched me more than i realized. It's like my incounscient mind read /understood and adapted the writting to an everydaylife behavior. And the other part. Well...it's where the trouble begins.

I still need to find an excuse. I still need to tell myself i somehow love them. Somehow i'm connected...important to them. So i don't feel that monstrous and manipulative. I just can't fight it.

 

The need...just never disapear.

 

I always wanted to be true.

 

"There are no secrets in life. Just hidden truth..hiding beneath the surface"

 

Now i'm wondering why that was so important.

 

You can have the world. But when you need the world to help you, everything disapear out in the shadows. Obviously not in the one you were standing in.

What's the key then?

 

Realized someone else in this land needs to know all your deepest darkest secrets? Someone you can tell every truth about yourself?

 

Dangerous.

 

Can't explained. But somehow...As long as i won't be attached to someone with a respectful glance. I won't be able to change. Even less evolve.

Weirdly enough...Everytime i want someone. He's not interested. i'm a gentle monster. I don't want to bear the responsability of getting what i want..as i know i'll change my mind later about it. because it would have been easy having him. And i would know. because it would have been of my doings.

 

The major problem happens, when i  found worst than me.

 

"Takes responsability for who you are"